Finding Kindness

For the first 25 years of my life, I just assumed that people were, in general, rather mean to each other.  It was my perception of the world around me based on experience. My family, save my mom, was not even close to kind. They were not there for us while my single mom worked, took care of a young child, and took care of their dying mother. She had 2 brothers and 1 sister who chose to be mostly absent. Her oldest brother was cruel and caustic. I feel for the patients who call him their doctor. My father was seldom present. The few times he was, he used insulting humor to get in a good laugh on the object of his humor.  Please understand, I did not even know enough about people to feel any sadness about my situation.  I had a mom who loved me, and some key people who went out of their way to care for me. The world, however, seemed a mostly harsh place. I still do not feel sorry for myself at all. That thought simply is not part of the equation.

I grew up in a very small town. Many people ranged from disengaged to mean. That is not say that there were not kind folks because there were, but not many.  Once again, this reinforced my perception of the way people treated each other. After 17 years, I was off to the US Military Academy. There was focus on honesty and perseverance, but, as you might imagine, kindness was not a concept often considered. A cadet's first summer and first year consisted of a lot of being told what to do, what not to do, and being yelled at for a multitude of reasons.  That said, I did begin to meet some very kind people. After leaving West Point, my next stop was the Army.  Kindness is certainly not served in the Army. By 25 years old, the vast majority of my experience with the way people treated each other was very negative.  I never thought to be sad about it as that was simply the way it was.  I am certain there are plenty of people in this world who have experienced the same or worse. 

 

As time went on and I had more choices, I began to realize I could shape my world by choosing to interact with the kind people. Of course, none of us have complete control regarding those who surround us, but we do gain more choices as we age. It was actually a bit shocking how kind some people could be, and I often questioned why I would be deserving of such kindness. I had not yet begun to understand that another person's kindness is much more about who they are than who I am. I began to understand that there was also power in my own kindness.  Again, it was very surprising how others responded to something as simple as a kind word or a smile. My Ah-Ha! moment came while listening to John Maxwell at a presentation on leadership. It was my first academic introduction to servant leadership which might sound odd since I attended what many consider to be the premier leadership school in the country.  

 

Maxwell spoke of "adding value to others" and provided a 3-step process. The process was simple and actionable. 

 

Step 1: Decide to add value to others. Be intentional and keep making the decision daily.

Step 2: Actively look for opportunities to do this multiple times throughout the day.

Step 3: Do it!  

 

Why had I never been told this before?  It seemed so obvious and simple but also profound. Based on my life experiences, I knew this was not common knowledge. I immediately realized that this would positively impact my life as well as those around me. I was so excited to give it a go, and I have been working on being intentional about this for the last 5 years.  That is not to say that I am great at it or even consistent day to day. What I can say is that I am much better about it than I would have been otherwise.  Adding value to others is not about making another person valuable.  It is about seeing a person's value and letting him/her know you see it through your words and/or actions. It is also about seeing and listening to that person.  The majority of us want to know we are valued. I have yet to meet a person who does not. Amazing things happen when we start expressing to others that we see their value. It can change the lives of both the kindness receiver and the kindness giver. Being intentional is key, and it is too important of a concept to be one of the latest buzzwords. It also must be said that it cannot be only flattery which means you must be capable of valuing others. 

 

It has been a journey of many years from my starting place to where I am now, and I am not sure that I could have completely understood the importance of the steps listed above had I not begun where I started. Intentionally valuing others holds power whether you are young or old, individual contributor or CEO.  It is certainly worth trying out, and once you begin to experience the profoundness, there is really very little point in looking back. There is only continually reminding yourself to look for the good in each person who crosses your path, and let them know you see it.

Mom and I at graduation (1993 high school / 2019 PhD)

 

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)